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Don't Look Back


"Don't think. Thinking is the enemy of creativity. It's self conscious and anything self conscious is lousy.  You can't try to do things. You simply must do things."  Ray Bradbury

It's been 120 days since I closed my bedroom door, which had miraculously contained all that I left behind, and headed out on The Backstreets of America Tour. Sitting here at the Dumont Library waiting for my phone call with another potential collaborator, I'm feeling reflective. I'm not suprised. Reflection has long been a favorite ritual of mine and with my birthday's arrival, I'm even more reflective!

As I roll back the tape in my mind's projector, I see many incredible frames from the last four months that create the soundtrack of gratitude. Something unbearably significant happened when I turned fifty that I'm convinced was cellular. I am so fundamentally different in how I feel inside my own skin than ever before. I am connected to a sense of self that is so empowering there is nothing I will not try as I seek to live the life that's at the center of my heart.

This creative sabbatical is so completely out of my hands. I laugh when I try to control it or when I judge it for what it's not. Unfortunately, my mind can get addicted to that downward spiral. I always know when I'm there because I feel lousy, as the nagging critic points out all I haven't done while showing me my "media projects" list where only a few check marks reveal completion.  

But the beautiful thing about perspective is that it's a choice and that choice, that perception, those thoughts that frame that perception carry with them an energetic match and consequently, I will feel what I think. That's why I spent those two weeks last month working the process and identifying more core desired feelings. By having those six qualities in front of me, my thinking gets a constant and quick makeover when there's incongruency between the two. 

If I were to climb a very high tree and look over these past four months from that perspective I see a very definitive demonstration from an intention set December 2012, though the seed was planted during a February 2009 meditation. That undeniable change I spoke about in my first blog ramblings, set me afire! It was and is so powerful! I knew it was time to leave Alaska; the signs were everywhere and obvious beyond measure.  My soul was speaking to me so clearly. "Let's go!" it said in a tone that had within it all the courage and excitement one could ask for when setting out for such an adventure.   Along with the header, "creative sabbatical", these were the words coming through me, "soul searching", "road trips", "family", "beach", "concerts". 

I left Alaska knowing my home would be rented for six months, enough time to stretch my legs and come back if I was done. I'm not. As I stay tuned in to my feeling state, I know with ease that there's more to explore! After 25 years of being away from one of my sisters, I'm privileged to witness the most important time of her adult life: graduation from college with honors! I'm here, in part, to cheer her on! Her boys, my grown nephews, are here and I want to hang out with then and hopefully be a positive influence!  My mom, though still driving, healthy and active, is experiencing a memory challenge that can clearly affect her safety. My efforts to get her off a statin drug long enough to conclude whether its memory loss side affects is the culprit have failed so we're left with researching what tests are necessary to assess the situation.

Then there's the Springsteen tour and the slew of other concerts happening through the summer. I love, love, love live music and need this in my life to not only remain true to who I am but also for my joy-o-meter! The death of Clarence Clemons made me realize deeply that this is finite, these bands, these musicians who shaped the soundtrack of my life. This area is a hot spot for great concerts and I've got a long list of people to see! 

Then there's the creative sabbatical and the "projects" on my list. Adding my spiritual life to the website and creating a multi-media spiritual community on-line has been pushing up against me from the inside out for quite some time now. It will complete something and simultaneously start something new! I'm very excited. Then there's the gathering up of my interviews and making them available as separate audio files on the website and lastly, turning the Backstreets tour stops into an interactive map that links to each cities live show.

As Cecile B. Demille once said, "Creativity is a drug I cannot live without".  Having died only to be born again, I simply will not live anything less than my creative life. It's why I'm here. Truth is we're all artists and our lives are our creation. I don't know what it will look like another four months from now but I'm pretty sure I'll still be grateful.  




Entertainer - Radio Personality - Inspirational Speaker - Voice Over Talent : Camille Conte marconi award winner
 National Association of Broadcasters "Personality of the Year" Marconi Award Winner!

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