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The Here and Now


How is it that I can be "homesick" when I'm here in New Jersey where I grew up? Is my restless Spirit just messing with me? Maybe I got off the road too fast; I do miss being "out there" driving from town to town, state to state, meeting people, seeing America and doing my show from unknown places. Certainly, that's coming again. At some point, I'll point my car west and travel towards the Pacific Ocean and then north. Don't tell my mom, though, she's become intensely attached to my presence and cries instantly whenever I remind her that I've got a home to eventually get back to. I cry too, though not in front of her. After 25 years in Alaska, I enjoy being with my mom, though she makes me crazy and I need appropriate alone time to stay centered and loving! Still though, this sabbatical is taking some interesting turns nine months in and I'm not sure how to sit with it all. Truth be told, I don't think it's about sitting with it at all. I'm sensing it's about letting it pass through me and keeping myself open for each and every moment. Talk about a spiritual practice. 

And yet, there's so much that I'm experiencing here that I would otherwise not be available for. Hanging out with my beautiful nephews, Lucas, 23 and Alex 19 is as great as I knew it would be. They're wonderful young men, trying to figure things out like the rest of us, working hard to have a good life while waiting to see who it is they really are and what they're here to do.

Meanwhile, the beach is four miles from my sister's home which is such a gift. I thrive near the water and find myself driving over the bridge and the bay as often as I can to just walk, or sit on the sand and watch the waves become themselves and fall back into the ocean, surrendering their individuality without effort or struggle. I hope when it's my turn, I'll be that brave. 

The music scene here is so alive. I'm so happy to be in such a vibrant and diverse environment.  I grew up with this vibe. Live bands playing all the time, everywhere. Every week, I look at the calendar and marvel at the names of the acts coming through the area. I should have had two piggy banks, one for "Springsteen" and one for "Everyone Else"!

And then there's my past. Clearly it's been waiting for me in more ways than one. This weekend, I got together with five other women with whom I went to high school. These reunions have happened many times before but I've always been in Anchorage unable to attend. This time, I'm here. As I listened to their stories, heard of their challenges, I was once again humbled by how fragile life is and how strong people's spirits can be. It also reminded me of my decision very early on in my life to not have children. I knew then as I know now, it simply wasn't my path. I truly bless these parents who are dealing with young people who are trying to figure it all out. I'm in awe of their raw authenticity as they live out the role.

When I left Alaska, I knew very little. I knew I was entering a mystery and was willing to trust it knowing that just because it was a mystery it didn't mean that it was unknown. I realized that it simply hadn't come into my awareness yet but it would when it needed to and that I was safe and my life was in good hands. Now that I'm in it, I'm experiencing that which I could never have known until I lived it. Now that I'm here, nine months in, I strive to stay balanced while grateful for all the blessings that are filling my life.

Perhaps it is true that home is where the heart is.  As long as my heart is open, loving and constantly engaging in humility and forgiveness of myself and others, my real home is much closer than I often realize. 


Entertainer - Radio Personality - Inspirational Speaker - Voice Over Talent : Camille Conte marconi award winner
 National Association of Broadcasters "Personality of the Year" Marconi Award Winner!

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